Ramble 43: You know what’s fucked up?

You know what’s fucked up? my life. I hate who I am sometimes. I am the girl with the ugly bun sitting in front a laptop scrolling through shit ton of pictures of pretty people and hating how she looks. And then I console myself that ‘at least’ I got brains but it turns out I don’t. Really what exactly have ‘I’ achieved in my life which is extraordinary, wonderful or which places me out of the pack? NOTHING. I just got a rejection letter this morning and I am going to include the essay I wrote in this post because I am that fucked up. I make a fool out of myself wherever I go. I am nobody. I am nothing. And I hate it. I have been wasting the entire summer whiling away my time doing nothing. I feel shitting inside out. Oh god. Like one time I try to put myself out there I get fucked right in the ass. Over and over again.

You know what else is fucked up? I can do nothing to improve it.

THE ESSAY I SENT IN:

Why did I sign up for the Puffin programme and do I deserve a place?

When I began writing this essay I did not know how to begin. I scrutinized the word ‘deserve’ over and over again in my head in a monotonous chant. The question I kept asking myself was ‘do I deserve it?’ and then it struck me; I do. If to be deserving means that I can claim that I have brought back home laurels and have too many feathers in my cap then I am not. Neither do I have laurels nor do I have many achievements nor any experience. But I do have avarice for good knowledge.

If I were to put the reason I signed up for this programme in ten words it would be: I signed up because I want to give myself more opportunities. I realize it is a very selfish motive but it is important to be selfish to grow. All my life I have allowed for opportunities to pass up like low tides. I have never been able to embrace them while they were lurking around the corner waiting to be exploited. And then I have complained about not getting enough opportunities and now I realize it is not the number of opportunities but the choices I make. Hence, today I choose to sign up for this programme and through my words exhume the under confidence lying within.

If asked ‘why I want to or like to write?’ I would usually shrug my shoulders in response. But today I would like to express my passion in verbatim. I am passionate about writing because I am opinionated and I feel like my written words can scream while spoken words are only loud. I want to channel all my information which I scour up from the internet and vent all my frustration onto that one piece of paper knowing that it has the power to shake the world.

As a writer I am sardonic, circumlocutory, honest, loquacious and (often) romantic. I want my writing to develop and grow and burst at its seams. In Norman Lewis’ words ‘acquiring a rich vocabulary can enrich your personality with ideas you have never encountered before’. And that is who I want to be as a writer and as a person: open minded. Every day I want to learn about life and not be afraid to pick up the pen once in a while and pour my heart out on a piece of paper not caring whether I am good or not. I want to believe in myself and I feel like writing is a medium which can help me in achieving the self-confidence I need.

Ask me again and I will tell you that I deserve this. I do not have laurels, I do not have achievements but I do have what writing needs; passion. I want to pour my heart out in each and every article I do, I want to share with the world the knowledge I acquire every day, I want to realize my potential. I want to be able to say that ‘I came, I saw, I conquered’.

I NEED FEEDBACK. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

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5 thoughts on “Ramble 43: You know what’s fucked up?

  1. I think the essay is extremely grounded and honest, and it truly reflects your morals as a person. My honest advice is that some institutions aren’t very receptive of that kind of uncensored truth, it makes them uncomfortable. But if I were you, I’d proudly submit that, because it’s written beautifully and even if you don’t get what you sought out for, you’ve been entirely true to yourself. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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