You know what’s fucked up? my life. I hate who I am sometimes. I am the girl with the ugly bun sitting in front a laptop scrolling through shit ton of pictures of pretty people and hating how she looks. And then I console myself that ‘at least’ I got brains but it turns out I don’t. Really what exactly have ‘I’ achieved in my life which is extraordinary, wonderful or which places me out of the pack? NOTHING. I just got a rejection letter this morning and I am going to include the essay I wrote in this post because I am that fucked up. I make a fool out of myself wherever I go. I am nobody. I am nothing. And I hate it. I have been wasting the entire summer whiling away my time doing nothing. I feel shitting inside out. Oh god. Like one time I try to put myself out there I get fucked right in the ass. Over and over again.
You know what else is fucked up? I can do nothing to improve it.
THE ESSAY I SENT IN:
Why did I sign up for the Puffin programme and do I deserve a place?
When I began writing this essay I did not know how to begin. I scrutinized the word ‘deserve’ over and over again in my head in a monotonous chant. The question I kept asking myself was ‘do I deserve it?’ and then it struck me; I do. If to be deserving means that I can claim that I have brought back home laurels and have too many feathers in my cap then I am not. Neither do I have laurels nor do I have many achievements nor any experience. But I do have avarice for good knowledge.
If I were to put the reason I signed up for this programme in ten words it would be: I signed up because I want to give myself more opportunities. I realize it is a very selfish motive but it is important to be selfish to grow. All my life I have allowed for opportunities to pass up like low tides. I have never been able to embrace them while they were lurking around the corner waiting to be exploited. And then I have complained about not getting enough opportunities and now I realize it is not the number of opportunities but the choices I make. Hence, today I choose to sign up for this programme and through my words exhume the under confidence lying within.
If asked ‘why I want to or like to write?’ I would usually shrug my shoulders in response. But today I would like to express my passion in verbatim. I am passionate about writing because I am opinionated and I feel like my written words can scream while spoken words are only loud. I want to channel all my information which I scour up from the internet and vent all my frustration onto that one piece of paper knowing that it has the power to shake the world.
As a writer I am sardonic, circumlocutory, honest, loquacious and (often) romantic. I want my writing to develop and grow and burst at its seams. In Norman Lewis’ words ‘acquiring a rich vocabulary can enrich your personality with ideas you have never encountered before’. And that is who I want to be as a writer and as a person: open minded. Every day I want to learn about life and not be afraid to pick up the pen once in a while and pour my heart out on a piece of paper not caring whether I am good or not. I want to believe in myself and I feel like writing is a medium which can help me in achieving the self-confidence I need.
Ask me again and I will tell you that I deserve this. I do not have laurels, I do not have achievements but I do have what writing needs; passion. I want to pour my heart out in each and every article I do, I want to share with the world the knowledge I acquire every day, I want to realize my potential. I want to be able to say that ‘I came, I saw, I conquered’.
I NEED FEEDBACK. LIKE RIGHT NOW.