Continuation of the post: Dear me #1- social anxiety
It was five days at a new school which told me being cool was out of the question, at the moment I only needed to fixate on making ‘some’ friends. That feeling when you realize that you have none is terrible but you keep feeding yourself with sedatives of hefty lies telling you that it is going to be alright but then the hilarious part is it will, but god knows when.
So back to the fifth day syndrome when the symptoms are nervousness, inability to talk to people, fixation over certain persons, dreaming about being friends with that certain someone. If you have more than two of the above, congratulations! you were or are suffering from the same problem I once had, of whose name I do not even know but I would term it milder social anxiety because it was so. Such was my situation that I felt like a fish out of water, unable to understand what to talk about, whom to talk to and more importantly, how to talk. For that one year in 9th grade, I am pretty sure I had lost my inability to talk because every day I would clear my throat five times in the course of the entire day to speak to somebody to know the directions to the girls washroom or the likes. My ‘friends’ were limited in quantity and I spent majority of the year eavesdropping out of pathetic and pitiable boredom. Though that made me some sort of ‘gossip monger’, it did not help much that I hardly had anybody to share it with. The dread was such that I was even nervous about answering to the attendance call.
I did not know what had happened to me, I simply did not fit in. I was an odd puzzle piece in a jigsaw that was the entire school community which simply did not belong to the somewhat fully solved puzzle. Maybe I suffered from an inferiority complex, coming from a ‘inferior school’ with stupid kids and poor underdogs. And here I was another one of those, a product of the complicated socio-economic divide running through the deep veins of India desperately trying to fit in, not realizing that my cheap fashion sense and lack of knowledge about the social world in the 21st century was only a by-product of everything modern Indian.