Ramble 66: Ain’t no shame in my game (Dear me- social anxiety continued)

Dear me

Continuation of and related posts: Dear me- social anxiety and Dear me #1- social anxiety

I left off on how I did not fit in and on I struggled to make friends. For me, the deal simply was that everyday it was a struggle to open my mouth. I could not think of things to say and without exaggeration I believe there were times when I used to go on without uttering a single word throughout the day.

The problem was not just that I had zero friends to talk to or lunch breaks were dreaded or that I have spent a fair amount of free time in the toilet stalls but that it even affected my studies, my overall development as a person. Because I was so afraid of speaking or performing in public, for one year I refused to participate in anything outdoorsy, anything that required me to interact beyond the bare minimum in the circumscribed boundaries of my own classroom and this I fondly now remember as my fucked up days. I think I have mentioned this before that I was in a friends with benefits relationship and it was during this time of temporary dumbness. That desperate boy toy took advantage of my non existent self esteem and my boredom to death situation where I would have done anything to have some excitement in my life. I would not go into the details of my relationship right now, because that is a story saved for later.

I did not share my situation with anybody, I did not consult a counselor or even my own mother or my sister or even my journal for that matter. I only concentrated on (since I have repressed certain parts of the memories, I think I have forgotten a lot of it) trying too hard to be funny or ‘cool’ and trust me, it did not work. So my first piece of sanity advice would be to talk to those who care like your mother, father, sibling or to those who are paid to care like your counselor. I think this would help it not only garnering tips on the workings of making friend 101 but also would make you reflect on why you are missing out on all the fun or you are not (in your own head) good enough. Meeting the bitter truth is most often than not better than a hundred beautifully woven intricate lies. My second piece of advice is (keeping with the title of this post) that try hard to be yourself; this may sound like an oxymoron phrase but really searching for who you are and what you put on the table is a difficult self journey all teenagers undergo. For me, it was a bed of thorns and roses but every prick was worth it because I truly love who I have become and in my teacher’s words ‘Really, I am unique.’


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